Friday, October 31, 2008
Self denial mood
I don't really how to explain what kind of mood it is. But I know it is a F-ed up feeling, and sometimes, I can't help it.
Sometimes, when I look at my JC classmates, I really don't understand why they can be so well-versed in both academics and aesthetic. Sometimes I thought it is just unfair that they are talented in both areas, while I seem to be always lack of some sense when it comes to sports.
Makes me really disappointed with myself sometimes.
I hate myself to be that way, but I can't seem to do something about it.
argh, it is complicated.
It is a mix feeling of wanting to do something but not motivated to do it. I can't be like my friend who can be motivated all the time, have the moral courage to correct the fault of the others and encourage people around him to do the right thing.
It is what I aspire to be, yet I can't bring myself to do it.
I don't know why, and it only gets me into worse mood.
A spiral down into nothingness, emptiness.
Yet, I like to be around with people who can motivate me to work harder, train harder, exercise harder, but it makes me feel even more inferior about myself, not being discplined enough to do everything on my own.
you can say that is what friends are for, but this looks like I am only the one taking and not giving, just like a disgusting leech.
Maybe I try too hard to make myself useful. Yeah, I know I am quite useless. I can't participate in common topics that friends of my age usually talk about. The only good thing I am probably good in is not gonna make you wow and clap for me. I am just like a stone by the road side which people would rarely take notice. I mean, come on, some people don't even know my name even after being together for quite some time already. That really tells a lot.
I just want to be somebody, but I am nobody.
Actually, I just want to be useful to my friends.
But, I think I am just
not worthy enough.
I don't really how to explain what kind of mood it is. But I know it is a F-ed up feeling, and sometimes, I can't help it.
Sometimes, when I look at my JC classmates, I really don't understand why they can be so well-versed in both academics and aesthetic. Sometimes I thought it is just unfair that they are talented in both areas, while I seem to be always lack of some sense when it comes to sports.
Makes me really disappointed with myself sometimes.
I hate myself to be that way, but I can't seem to do something about it.
argh, it is complicated.
It is a mix feeling of wanting to do something but not motivated to do it. I can't be like my friend who can be motivated all the time, have the moral courage to correct the fault of the others and encourage people around him to do the right thing.
It is what I aspire to be, yet I can't bring myself to do it.
I don't know why, and it only gets me into worse mood.
A spiral down into nothingness, emptiness.
Yet, I like to be around with people who can motivate me to work harder, train harder, exercise harder, but it makes me feel even more inferior about myself, not being discplined enough to do everything on my own.
you can say that is what friends are for, but this looks like I am only the one taking and not giving, just like a disgusting leech.
Maybe I try too hard to make myself useful. Yeah, I know I am quite useless. I can't participate in common topics that friends of my age usually talk about. The only good thing I am probably good in is not gonna make you wow and clap for me. I am just like a stone by the road side which people would rarely take notice. I mean, come on, some people don't even know my name even after being together for quite some time already. That really tells a lot.
I just want to be somebody, but I am nobody.
Actually, I just want to be useful to my friends.
But, I think I am just
not worthy enough.
sharkfin fullstopped here
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Finally, an end to this long week.
Lots of things have happened, I have spent a lot of time talking to people, getting to know people, especially those closer to me. As a HQ staff I cannot agree more with the fact that we are the supportive people that ensure that everything in the Bn runs smoothly and no admin lapses. Everyone else can go on off/leave but there must be somebody in the HQ to ensure everything is still running fine.
Maybe that is why I still can't clear my leave >.<
Past few days I had training until 4+ everyday from monday to wednesday. After the training I cannot go back bunk to bathe and relax but I have to be back in the office to clear all the admin work piled up and waiting for me in the office. I admit that the aircon is good =) but when your body is already so fatigued, you only want to sleep the moment you sit down on the chair. Plus this week I have a lot of assignments due. Really shag until I sleep whenever I get the chance to. =X
But at least everything is nicely done. The parade state chart is nicely done, thanks to my buddies who spent the whole monday night helping me until 2230. The lesson plans are done, no hiccups in the indentation. Even found some time to do extra stuffs for next few weeks. Neat eh?
Looking back, it is not at all possible without my five other friends in HQ, and my very nice superiors. All the PSOs are damn nice. They will offer ride down the hill if we happen to book out together with them. We get tibits for a day's hardwork. Basically it doesn't feel like they are just bosses and we are working for them. It feels more like working partners. Feels really nice and motivates me to work harder too =)
I hope the same set of HQ staffs can stay together as one until we ORD. =/
Please grant me my wish.
Lots of things have happened, I have spent a lot of time talking to people, getting to know people, especially those closer to me. As a HQ staff I cannot agree more with the fact that we are the supportive people that ensure that everything in the Bn runs smoothly and no admin lapses. Everyone else can go on off/leave but there must be somebody in the HQ to ensure everything is still running fine.
Maybe that is why I still can't clear my leave >.<
Past few days I had training until 4+ everyday from monday to wednesday. After the training I cannot go back bunk to bathe and relax but I have to be back in the office to clear all the admin work piled up and waiting for me in the office. I admit that the aircon is good =) but when your body is already so fatigued, you only want to sleep the moment you sit down on the chair. Plus this week I have a lot of assignments due. Really shag until I sleep whenever I get the chance to. =X
But at least everything is nicely done. The parade state chart is nicely done, thanks to my buddies who spent the whole monday night helping me until 2230. The lesson plans are done, no hiccups in the indentation. Even found some time to do extra stuffs for next few weeks. Neat eh?
Looking back, it is not at all possible without my five other friends in HQ, and my very nice superiors. All the PSOs are damn nice. They will offer ride down the hill if we happen to book out together with them. We get tibits for a day's hardwork. Basically it doesn't feel like they are just bosses and we are working for them. It feels more like working partners. Feels really nice and motivates me to work harder too =)
I hope the same set of HQ staffs can stay together as one until we ORD. =/
Please grant me my wish.
sharkfin fullstopped here
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
What the hell man.
It is just so unfair
for those who came in the legitimate way
to be traded with
another who think that it is a good place to slack
only to regret expressing that interest
when it is too late.
I am disappointed.
and sad.
=/
It is just so unfair
for those who came in the legitimate way
to be traded with
another who think that it is a good place to slack
only to regret expressing that interest
when it is too late.
I am disappointed.
and sad.
=/
sharkfin fullstopped here
Saturday, October 18, 2008
This week probably feels one of the longeset weeks I have ever had since I entered NS.
This week was just a lot of out-of-work stuffs to do, like conducting standby area, ensuring that the men in HQ do their part (and it is extremely difficult to get them working because they are just not disciplined right from the moment they came here). The whole of Wednesday was just purely doing area inspection, which makes all the admin work comes to a stand-still. Let's not count the OT that we have to work since we are all staying in. However, not all the men are staying in and we have to ensure that they don't book out unless they have valid reason or excuse stay-in. Sometimes they just give you so much trouble that you would rather strip yourself of the rank. At some point of time I will be thinking "Don't these bastards have brains to think?" "Why is it so difficult to come down promptly for first/last parade".
I hate to be the bad guy, having to scold and punish. That is just not me. But that part of me will be history soon.
Doing COS on a weekly basis is really tiring. Whoever wrote the COS standing order must have thought that COS knows Kage Bunshin and being able to be everywhere at any one time. They have to be at the cookhouse for duty, switching on the lights at 0700/1900 (while still at cookhouse), and be in the office to issue keys (when no one is in the office to stand in at 0600-0700). You gotta find a stand-in during cookhouse duty, another stand-in to do RO. Sometimes COS is tasked to catch AWOLees (which happened to another COS, not me). He is probably the only person that booked out from camp during office hour without taking off-pass/leave.
Sigh, next week is going to be worse than this week. I have a lot of tasks due next week, and there are ICCT next week from monday and wednesday. Which means, I am gonna work OT again. Lol, stress ah..
Anyway, I am gonn leave the house soon. Going to meet up with my friends to catch a movie. Have been a long time since I last watched one. See ya!
This week was just a lot of out-of-work stuffs to do, like conducting standby area, ensuring that the men in HQ do their part (and it is extremely difficult to get them working because they are just not disciplined right from the moment they came here). The whole of Wednesday was just purely doing area inspection, which makes all the admin work comes to a stand-still. Let's not count the OT that we have to work since we are all staying in. However, not all the men are staying in and we have to ensure that they don't book out unless they have valid reason or excuse stay-in. Sometimes they just give you so much trouble that you would rather strip yourself of the rank. At some point of time I will be thinking "Don't these bastards have brains to think?" "Why is it so difficult to come down promptly for first/last parade".
I hate to be the bad guy, having to scold and punish. That is just not me. But that part of me will be history soon.
Doing COS on a weekly basis is really tiring. Whoever wrote the COS standing order must have thought that COS knows Kage Bunshin and being able to be everywhere at any one time. They have to be at the cookhouse for duty, switching on the lights at 0700/1900 (while still at cookhouse), and be in the office to issue keys (when no one is in the office to stand in at 0600-0700). You gotta find a stand-in during cookhouse duty, another stand-in to do RO. Sometimes COS is tasked to catch AWOLees (which happened to another COS, not me). He is probably the only person that booked out from camp during office hour without taking off-pass/leave.
Sigh, next week is going to be worse than this week. I have a lot of tasks due next week, and there are ICCT next week from monday and wednesday. Which means, I am gonna work OT again. Lol, stress ah..
Anyway, I am gonn leave the house soon. Going to meet up with my friends to catch a movie. Have been a long time since I last watched one. See ya!
sharkfin fullstopped here
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I just have to take a break here from all the paperwork and endless indentation.
The worst has yet to come, as my sir says, now it's the honeymoon period, enjoy it, cherish it. Never will I lead this kind of life where I can work at 8am until 5.30pm and relax in bunk, once the mono starts. Working OT until 10pm 11pm is normal, according to my superior. Though I don't really know why, but I am beginning to feel the pressure doing paperwork. I mean, there are people on top of you pressuring you to complete this task, and there is inefficient (or maybe uncooperative) downstream hubs. Our life can be so hard that sometimes we joked among ourselves that we aren't the meat between the BigMac but the bread in the middle.
But people failed to understand again and again.
Look, only 6 specs, and we have to look after the admin work of the whole battlion and ensure that nothing goes wrong with the training for each respective companies. On top of that, regimental duties, stand-in, other committments such as attending meetings usually spoils the flow of paperwork.
Again, the theory of rate determining step. (and precisely the reason why people say army is wait to rush and rush to wait).
I am not making myself sound like a hero or the savior of the whole Bn. I am really grateful to have 5 other specs working together fighting this with me, especially the S2/S3 guys.
Oh, btw, I will be going for a 2 week exercise in November. Sounds long eh? I will find out about it =)
The worst has yet to come, as my sir says, now it's the honeymoon period, enjoy it, cherish it. Never will I lead this kind of life where I can work at 8am until 5.30pm and relax in bunk, once the mono starts. Working OT until 10pm 11pm is normal, according to my superior. Though I don't really know why, but I am beginning to feel the pressure doing paperwork. I mean, there are people on top of you pressuring you to complete this task, and there is inefficient (or maybe uncooperative) downstream hubs. Our life can be so hard that sometimes we joked among ourselves that we aren't the meat between the BigMac but the bread in the middle.
But people failed to understand again and again.
Look, only 6 specs, and we have to look after the admin work of the whole battlion and ensure that nothing goes wrong with the training for each respective companies. On top of that, regimental duties, stand-in, other committments such as attending meetings usually spoils the flow of paperwork.
Again, the theory of rate determining step. (and precisely the reason why people say army is wait to rush and rush to wait).
I am not making myself sound like a hero or the savior of the whole Bn. I am really grateful to have 5 other specs working together fighting this with me, especially the S2/S3 guys.
Oh, btw, I will be going for a 2 week exercise in November. Sounds long eh? I will find out about it =)
sharkfin fullstopped here
Saturday, October 11, 2008
You know, sometimes things can happen really coincidentally.
The story went all the way back to April 2007 when we had JC band exchange with TJ, VJ, RJ, (and maybe NJ? Cannot recall already). I happen to catch a glimpse of the standard of band from other JCs. At that point of time I had the most interest in TJ because they are one of the few schools that played sunrise instead of safari for set piece. (IMHO safari is quite a horrible piece to play - and listen to). Anyway, what really attracted me is their choice piece - Hymn to the Sun because of one unique choir part imbued in the song itself. I wanted to get an original recording but forgot about it subsequently due to hectic practise for the upcoming SYF then.
*********
During the UIP self-introduction, I happen to know that someone amongst the 67 of us is from symphonic band. At that point of time I didn't really bother to find out who, plus most of us are still cliqued together in our own pool of friends. Only until recently, after being posted to HQ coy and talked to my 5 other bunk mates, then I realised that he is in my bunk. Lol, from TJC, and even more coicidentally, he is from percussion section too! I thought I would never meet someone from band in army (since most of them would be in the SAF band anyway). Shared a lot of our band experiences last time. Haha, really brought back a lot of nostalgic memories about the times in JC. Somehow I just felt that he could understand how I felt as a percussionist last time, being "forgotten" by the main band sometimes and playing cards while the others are doing tuning/fixing of parts not concerning our section. Lol, oops, hopefully my conductor doesn't see this :P
********
Back to army stuffs.
For the time first, I went outfield in LBV and jockey cap, lol.
On wednesday and thursday I went for adhoc navex. It is really chaotic before the navex. Since myself and junyang (the other S3 spec, my working buddy) are just newly posted specs to S3 Branch, we are still unfamiliar with the procedure and actions to be taken for indentation of last minute training resources. In the end junyang had to go so far (getting pressured by the superiors and the MT line guys) to get the safety rovers up. Sorry to the guys who had to set up the vehical signal sets.. the rover came pretty late as a result of last minute indentation. Seriously, so much admin work just to get one safety rover.
Anyway, wednesday was a full day exercise (till late in the night). Sitting in there and manning comms is boring, but at least there are people with me in that training shed. Came back past 12mn, then Bing Xiong (the TJ percussionist, heh) and I have to do guard for ammo from 2am to 4am. Worst timing to get, but we spent that time chit chatting so we managed to stay awake for the whole 2hours.
I had to move out at 0830Hrs the next day (?) while BX stayed behind doing COS, damn.
At least it is only half day for thursday. Came back early to finish undone admin work leftover from wednesday.
Apart from the outfield, the rest of the week is like catching confinees and contacting possible AWOL people.
Busy week?
************
Sometimes, I wished that I am in rifle company.
Not that I like outfield, but somehow I feel that I am being alienated from my friends in rifle coy - and I am contained in the HQ bubble. Sadly to say, being in Staff Branch will only get myself more "despicable" remarks from my peers even though I know from heart they don't mean it. I can only count myself lucky that I have great bunk mates and working friends that encourage each other not to slacken off on the physical part and do our own runs every morning when there is no battlion run.
I know this post is kinda random, but yeah, my mind is kinda chaotic now.
The story went all the way back to April 2007 when we had JC band exchange with TJ, VJ, RJ, (and maybe NJ? Cannot recall already). I happen to catch a glimpse of the standard of band from other JCs. At that point of time I had the most interest in TJ because they are one of the few schools that played sunrise instead of safari for set piece. (IMHO safari is quite a horrible piece to play - and listen to). Anyway, what really attracted me is their choice piece - Hymn to the Sun because of one unique choir part imbued in the song itself. I wanted to get an original recording but forgot about it subsequently due to hectic practise for the upcoming SYF then.
*********
During the UIP self-introduction, I happen to know that someone amongst the 67 of us is from symphonic band. At that point of time I didn't really bother to find out who, plus most of us are still cliqued together in our own pool of friends. Only until recently, after being posted to HQ coy and talked to my 5 other bunk mates, then I realised that he is in my bunk. Lol, from TJC, and even more coicidentally, he is from percussion section too! I thought I would never meet someone from band in army (since most of them would be in the SAF band anyway). Shared a lot of our band experiences last time. Haha, really brought back a lot of nostalgic memories about the times in JC. Somehow I just felt that he could understand how I felt as a percussionist last time, being "forgotten" by the main band sometimes and playing cards while the others are doing tuning/fixing of parts not concerning our section. Lol, oops, hopefully my conductor doesn't see this :P
********
Back to army stuffs.
For the time first, I went outfield in LBV and jockey cap, lol.
On wednesday and thursday I went for adhoc navex. It is really chaotic before the navex. Since myself and junyang (the other S3 spec, my working buddy) are just newly posted specs to S3 Branch, we are still unfamiliar with the procedure and actions to be taken for indentation of last minute training resources. In the end junyang had to go so far (getting pressured by the superiors and the MT line guys) to get the safety rovers up. Sorry to the guys who had to set up the vehical signal sets.. the rover came pretty late as a result of last minute indentation. Seriously, so much admin work just to get one safety rover.
Anyway, wednesday was a full day exercise (till late in the night). Sitting in there and manning comms is boring, but at least there are people with me in that training shed. Came back past 12mn, then Bing Xiong (the TJ percussionist, heh) and I have to do guard for ammo from 2am to 4am. Worst timing to get, but we spent that time chit chatting so we managed to stay awake for the whole 2hours.
I had to move out at 0830Hrs the next day (?) while BX stayed behind doing COS, damn.
At least it is only half day for thursday. Came back early to finish undone admin work leftover from wednesday.
Apart from the outfield, the rest of the week is like catching confinees and contacting possible AWOL people.
Busy week?
************
Sometimes, I wished that I am in rifle company.
Not that I like outfield, but somehow I feel that I am being alienated from my friends in rifle coy - and I am contained in the HQ bubble. Sadly to say, being in Staff Branch will only get myself more "despicable" remarks from my peers even though I know from heart they don't mean it. I can only count myself lucky that I have great bunk mates and working friends that encourage each other not to slacken off on the physical part and do our own runs every morning when there is no battlion run.
I know this post is kinda random, but yeah, my mind is kinda chaotic now.
sharkfin fullstopped here
Sunday, October 05, 2008
You know, usually I have a lot to share on this blog. Then when I stare into this big open blank space for me to type in, my mind seems to replicate the emptiness of the textbox.
Okay, recollecting what I want to say..
Oh, I needa change a new blog skin. The current one is getting old and outdated. Supposed to find one over this weekend but I was on COS duty. Right, so the change will most likely be next week instead =P. Instead of the blog skin, I have (finally) change the blog music. I am sure this song is familiar to anyone who plays Halo on their XBox. I came across this opening theme by chance while searching for another song that I wanted to upload instead. Heh, luckily I found this song. Brings me a lot of non game-related memories.
I don't know if I haven't been doing paper work for a long time already, but I get mentally tired very easily after working on a simple task like gathering and typing out contact details for key personnel. Now I am beginning to understand that it is not at all slack (at least mentally) to do office work. On a brighter note, I will not be involved in most of the outfield training except for major exercises.
Hehe
***********
On China's Milk Powder Scandal
Seriously, producers of these millk powder have no ethics at all.
For the sake of increasing the proportion of nitrogen rich compounds, they add in melanine.
It is a non-protein nitrogen addictive. Serves no purpose in providing nutrients but simply increase the % by mass of nitrogen in a tested sample. True enough, melamine is 66% by mass nitrogen. Melamine itself is actually not toxic, however, combined with cyanuric acid, a possible metabolite of melamine, they combine to form melamine cyanurate
This molecule is so bulky that it does not dissolve in water as urea instead accumulate in the kidney which later forms kidney stones.
So much about chemistry? Just taking my chances to exercise my brains. lol
It is no wonder that China products aren't trusted anymore. This milk scandal is not the first time that China has failed in his F&B safety. In some parts of China, common Bee Hoon that we eat can actually contain overdosage of bleach. This is due to the fact that they use oxidising agents to make the bee hoon look nicer and whiter. Gingers that are contaminated with deadly pesticides.
A farmer once told a provincial political leader that his pig is fed with banned chemicals because it makes the meat look reddier and meatier. The official asked him, "Don't you know that it harms people?". The farmer replied, "Yes, but city people have free medical care, so it is no problem."
Quite stunned by the farmer's answer eh?
I tend to believe that some of the rural farmers do actually believe that medical care works wonders, like 仙丹 in Chinese mythology. Their naive thinking causes death not just to their own countrymen but with free trade, the whole world. We may think that it is totally absurd for people to feed their animals or add banned chemicals into their products, to them it is just about making money, selling as much as possible.
So, at the expense of exponential economic growth for China, food safety has gone down double the expoential rate, too.
Let me share a joke on how unsafe China's product is:
Once there was this person who inherited a piece of land from his father. So he decided to become a farmer to earn his living. So he bought a lot of plant seeds from the market and plant them. A month passed and no plant has grown - becaue the seeds are fake. Thinking that he is just purely unlucky, he spent the rest of his money on another batch of seeds, making sure that they are real this time. They grew well and good. Upon nearing the harvesting month, he purchased pesticides so that he could get a better crop yield. In the end, all his crops got eaten up by pests because the pesticide was fake. So grieved was he, he decided to commit suicide. He ate a bunch of sleeping pills hoping to die in his sleep. In the end, he did not die because..
the sleeping pills are fake.
=)
I just hope that China government can take an even firmer stand on food safety. Stop harming innocent lives just for the sake of economic growth.
Sitting in COS office during weekend makes you think more.
Okay, recollecting what I want to say..
Oh, I needa change a new blog skin. The current one is getting old and outdated. Supposed to find one over this weekend but I was on COS duty. Right, so the change will most likely be next week instead =P. Instead of the blog skin, I have (finally) change the blog music. I am sure this song is familiar to anyone who plays Halo on their XBox. I came across this opening theme by chance while searching for another song that I wanted to upload instead. Heh, luckily I found this song. Brings me a lot of non game-related memories.
I don't know if I haven't been doing paper work for a long time already, but I get mentally tired very easily after working on a simple task like gathering and typing out contact details for key personnel. Now I am beginning to understand that it is not at all slack (at least mentally) to do office work. On a brighter note, I will not be involved in most of the outfield training except for major exercises.
Hehe
***********
On China's Milk Powder Scandal
Seriously, producers of these millk powder have no ethics at all.
For the sake of increasing the proportion of nitrogen rich compounds, they add in melanine.
It is a non-protein nitrogen addictive. Serves no purpose in providing nutrients but simply increase the % by mass of nitrogen in a tested sample. True enough, melamine is 66% by mass nitrogen. Melamine itself is actually not toxic, however, combined with cyanuric acid, a possible metabolite of melamine, they combine to form melamine cyanurate
This molecule is so bulky that it does not dissolve in water as urea instead accumulate in the kidney which later forms kidney stones.
So much about chemistry? Just taking my chances to exercise my brains. lol
It is no wonder that China products aren't trusted anymore. This milk scandal is not the first time that China has failed in his F&B safety. In some parts of China, common Bee Hoon that we eat can actually contain overdosage of bleach. This is due to the fact that they use oxidising agents to make the bee hoon look nicer and whiter. Gingers that are contaminated with deadly pesticides.
A farmer once told a provincial political leader that his pig is fed with banned chemicals because it makes the meat look reddier and meatier. The official asked him, "Don't you know that it harms people?". The farmer replied, "Yes, but city people have free medical care, so it is no problem."
Quite stunned by the farmer's answer eh?
I tend to believe that some of the rural farmers do actually believe that medical care works wonders, like 仙丹 in Chinese mythology. Their naive thinking causes death not just to their own countrymen but with free trade, the whole world. We may think that it is totally absurd for people to feed their animals or add banned chemicals into their products, to them it is just about making money, selling as much as possible.
So, at the expense of exponential economic growth for China, food safety has gone down double the expoential rate, too.
Let me share a joke on how unsafe China's product is:
Once there was this person who inherited a piece of land from his father. So he decided to become a farmer to earn his living. So he bought a lot of plant seeds from the market and plant them. A month passed and no plant has grown - becaue the seeds are fake. Thinking that he is just purely unlucky, he spent the rest of his money on another batch of seeds, making sure that they are real this time. They grew well and good. Upon nearing the harvesting month, he purchased pesticides so that he could get a better crop yield. In the end, all his crops got eaten up by pests because the pesticide was fake. So grieved was he, he decided to commit suicide. He ate a bunch of sleeping pills hoping to die in his sleep. In the end, he did not die because..
the sleeping pills are fake.
=)
I just hope that China government can take an even firmer stand on food safety. Stop harming innocent lives just for the sake of economic growth.
Sitting in COS office during weekend makes you think more.
sharkfin fullstopped here